Hi everyone! Umm… where do I start.
Well first off, this is not a happy post. But it’s not “emo” either so I don’t know, haha.
Anyway, this has been a rough week for me emotionally and mentally. To cut the long story short and without revealing some personal details, I’ve basically over the past few days, come to a realization of the huge mistakes I’ve made in the way that I treated people that are important to me, in the way that I saw them and how ungrateful or insensitive I was to some of them. And it’s not only people that I have made these mistakes on, but God as well.
So after I had this realization, a lot of thoughts went through my head. Some good, some bad. I looked at myself in the “mirror” after a long time. And that’s when I had my next realization – I don’t deserve at all, all the blessings that I have around me. These include the important people that I talked about, significant things that I’ve been given opportunities to do, and generally this great life that God has given me.
Interesting isn’t it. That when you start to recognize how little you deserve, you become humbled and thankful. So of course, with all these sort of discouraging thoughts and feelings going through me, the best thing to do is not to run away from God but towards Him. That’s exactly what I did.
After spending some time of solitude in worship, in the Word and in His presence, you know what I felt Him telling me? He still loves me. In that moment, I had my own personal understanding of His grace. I knew how little I deserved – to be blessed and to be believed in. And yet God has given me all these amazing people and things in my life. A sense of encouragement, strength and faith just rose on the inside of me.
I told myself that I’m going to change. Because this is what grace is about. It’s an empowerment for change in our character. If the process of pursuing Christ-like character and holiness can be likened to rock-climbing, this is how it would look like. At the top of the “wall” that we’re climbing is the next level that our character can grow towards. It is the next standard of holiness that God has challenged us with.
As we climb towards the top, sometimes we will slip and fall. But thankfully, we have a safety harness of grace that prevents us from falling to our deaths. At this point of time, we have a few choices. One is to descend and quit rock climbing totally. Another is to just stay hanging there. Sounds dumb, but some people reflect that in their lives. The last one is different. It’s to keep on climbing and continuing on our journey to the next level.
You know which one you would choose. Because of the grace of God, we can choose to keep on changing ourselves in His image! So why not? The “safety harness” doesn’t bring us to the top of the “wall”. It only brings us to the foot of it unless we choose to climb it! It isn’t there so that we can relax. It is there to take away the fear and concern of falling to our demise, so that we would have the assurance in our hearts that we can look up and continue climbing.
So in the same way, now that I know that God loves me even after I have made those mistakes, I am even more motivated to continue growing myself and be made the man that He has called me to be! In fact nothing can make Him love us less or love us more. One would never die for a person that he doesn’t care about or believe in. And thus Christ has died for every single one of us – while we were still sinners (Romans 5:8). I am super confident that He loves us and believes in us, that through His sacrifice, we can change for the better.
Right now, I still feel a little bad about myself here and there. But hey, if I wasn’t fine, I wouldn’t have written all these! Hahaha so don’t worry about me. For now, I’ve decided to readjust myself and shift my focus a little bit for the time being to work on these rough edges that has been revealed to me. But be assured! Fool’s Bench will not be affected and will go on as per normal. If you read to this point, thank you and I’ll see you in the next post.